I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
Just cropdusted the office
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
It was an all night sausage fest and I was the lady of honor.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
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