i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
The last thing I remember is trying to split my bridesmaid dress down the back like the incredible hulk.
and you succeeded.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat. Gotta get dat dat dat dat dat ~uterus contraction~
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Randomize
