I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
Watching the wiggles while tripping on acid is the scariest fucking thing of all time
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
yeah we're all naked, and I think we just shaved Chad.
Randomize
