If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
She made sure everyone knew we were doing shots for her dead grandma.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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