I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
I might scale it back and go as an investment banker. Which is the exact same costume as James Bond on LSD. I just introduce myself differently.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
He played with my boobs the whole time we watched Scott Pilgrim and then started invited others to play with them too. It reminded me of how my mom gives out my french fries without asking.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
