a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
You were telling me last night 101 proof was nothing and you needed 400 proof or better yet military or marine proof, because you're marine grade.... You rascal.
I'm puking in a turkey pan....
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
I was looking for a pen and I stumbled upon my mom's vibrator. On a related note, yes I will be going out tonight.
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