I just fell asleep with a sandwich in my mouth at Cosi..people definitely saw
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
For Halloween this year I'm going to paint myself in gold, wear a golden toga and sash saying " cunt goddess"
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
some how during sex we caught an ENTIRE pillow on fire. A WHOLE PILLOW.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
The council and I are about to open up a bottle of malort.
UPGATe: THE COUNCIL AND I HAVE AGREED TO BAHN MALORT FROM THE HOUSEHOLD
At some point, I’d like to pretend that his penis is a popsicle.
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