Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was woke up by the fucking Star Spangled Banner this morning. I sat up in bed and put my hand over my naked heart. I was so confused
This was the first time I've ever pushed myself until I vomited. Sorry, random couple laying on a dock at 8:30am. I would have picked a better spot so you didn't have to watch/listen to me vomit, but you guys were being MAD quiet. I had no idea you were there.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Randomize
