I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?
Turn them off?
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.
Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
they sound like some classy girls.
Hey, I don't give them daddy issues, I just take advantage of it. The real bad guy here is American parenting.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I threw up in my backpack last night, but at least it wasn't in the pizza box again
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
Randomize
