Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
I don't know where your sunglasses are, I was too preoccupied with girls not old enough to drive past midnight.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
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you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
