I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Wow, im gonna be a great doctor..."hi let me save your life but first check out this pic of me deep throating a handle of grey goose"
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
