i passed out on the floor in my hallway and woke up with my dog licking himself 2 inches from my face. my first reaction? envy
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
she is like a cock bee. instead of going from flower to flower she goes from cock to cock
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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