I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?
I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Can't decide if it was more awkward buying sheets together or disposing of them afterwards
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I'm alone, 3 beers in, and cutting tshirts into belly tops.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
