i was just texting to let you know that my facebook chat is working again so you can talk to me more. please talk to me more.
I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
I flashed some kids doing a church car wash. I feel like I really improved the quality of their lives.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Randomize
