and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
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