He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Since the world is still here you can go ahead and disregard those pictures I sent
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
If I send you a picture of a dick will you give me your honest reaction?
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
They found me wandering around campus screaming body shots over and over again wrapped in a curtain
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
