wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
Randomize
