I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.
There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.
No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
Randomize
