I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We left the knife in your bed.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
Randomize
