I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
His thanks his mom for not having an abortion at his wedding toast. I love frat weddings.
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
