i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I bought the love spell lotion from victoria secret so it atleast smells like a girl is present while I'm masturbating
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I yelled "NO FLEX ZONE!!!" at the guy that thinks it's cool to take off his shirt at the party then proceeded to puking
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
Rationing the toilet paper. Only one wipe allowed. I'm scared to move too much.
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
