I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
When you licked the fourth stranger's cheek the bar tender pretty much ordered us to get you out.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
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