I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I accidentally burped into my bong.
My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Whenever you get off. By "pick me up from work" I mean, "pick me up from a bar by work at your earliest convenience" :)
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
I just spent a solid 3 minutes trying to figure out how to send a smell through my phone
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
Randomize
