soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
you were so blacked last night that you jumped in the lake fully clothed, then just went back to the bar and walked around like you weren't soaking wet.
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize
