mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
Well, you've continued the theme of living with people who's dicks I've sucked.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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