I thought she had more class and brains than to date a complete numb-nut, drug addict, fuck up like him. People never cease to amaze me
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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