You and i never got to the, we dont care what we look like friend-stage. you know? like not brushing your teeth stage.
sorry im really high
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
OMG he dropped his pants for me. Granted it was to show me where he got stabbed but still...
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
