My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
Randomize
