u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
The only way I can describe this shit is male aloe vera plant in both looks and feel its standing in the toilet
Thanks for that....my girlfriend picked up my phone and saw that
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Imp drunk. It'd free popcorn tuedday I love life.
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