im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
And our sex soundtracks thus far have been metal and Star Wars
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
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