Hey man sorry I got all grabby
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I don't think I will ever be as happy about anything as this man next to me on the bus eating Taco Bell.
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
Randomize
