drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
I told him to take the baby so I could work out. My workout consisted of getting high and masturbating
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
