There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
