Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
Just so you know my hand is still healing from where you drunkenly clawed me last Saturday
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
Well that didn’t go as expected.
I mean, it ended in you giving each of them a blowjob, so it kinda did.
Randomize
