she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Do you remember telling our cab driver you were going to fuck a penguin?
Is it too soon for me to wonder what sex with him would be like?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
Randomize
