Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
she "accidentally" hit me with her car, its almost as if she know im fucking her boyfriend.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Randomize
