Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
No feeling is better than coming home from your booty call and putting on a fresh pair of granny panties
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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