I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
You can wear anything you want
So... Naked it is then
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Randomize
