my ultimate dream in life is to have sperm so powerful that it will rival that of jim bob duggar.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
and she was petting her beer can
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
Randomize
