If you were a Panda and I were a Koala and we had a baby, it'd be a falafel. Just think about that.
I un-blacked out around 7am watching J.lo videos on youtube
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The guy at the liqiour store just said "Wow haven't seen you in awhile, is everything okay?"
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