just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
i was really hopeful that i could make it to the end of the semester without doing something stupid enough to destroy our relationship but i guess i was wrong..........thanks vodka
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I mean I'm sad it didn't work out but tbh he he can't unlick my booty hole or unbreak his headboard... He won't forget my name ever
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize
