ha- omfg whatt the fuck is wrong w me. Alcohol+third cousins= bad decisions
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Someone came in the potted fern
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
