I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
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