I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
I just smoked weed out of a baked potato.
You rock my world.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Randomize
