I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I deserve to be covered in dicks
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
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