I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
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