I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
Asian chick on skype stripping for me. Hold on give few min
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
