thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
