We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
how did the keg end up in the top bunk?
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I JUST BROKE A NAIL MASTURBATING. WTF I could even enjoy my orgasm bc now I'm gonna have to spend $50 on my nails.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
Randomize