I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm
Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
This power is too much for most humans to handle safely. It's like having the nuclear launch codes, except it's my penis.
a guy just walked through our campsite, crouched down by the truck, screamed "ACID ONLY LASTS FOR 8 HOURS RIGHT?!", then ran off into the bushes
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
Do you think Ashley had her twin sister tag in for our date? The sex was different and I think a mole was missing
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