Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
Can you explain the plethora of sunflower seeds in the dryer?
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize