I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb
His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Not sure if creeper guy is too drunk to talk or I'm too high to listen.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
