I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
You fist bumped my dick last night saying good game. That you'll be back for the 2nd game...
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
Randomize