I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
ohhh no, absolutely not. i am waaayyy too superstitious to have sex with the self-proclaimed "baby-maker" on father's day...
Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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