My mom is getting really tired of hearing the excuse 'it's 5 oclock somewhere'
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Am i obligated to tell my sister her girlfriend was my one night stand three months ago?
Randomize
