Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Can't talk, ducks in the car
Are we DOING anything for lunch...if sex is involved, let's just be straight forward and stop wasting the first half hour! We just need to get to the point
Randomize
