Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
Randomize
