And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
How interesting! I'm adding this to my list of things to discuss with you between fucks.
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
I accused him of not drinking enough alcohol and eating tacos after midnight. I was sober and he's not a gremlin. I would say bad.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
