just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
She put her coat on went to leave and called me an asshole. I responded with "I never said I wasn't" and then she pounced on me like a cat on cat nip.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
