The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.
3?
Me, myself and I
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
Great. Now I have to produce, edit and leak a sex tape before Saturday. Fundraising is hard.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
Randomize
